Hi, if you’re new around here, and welcome back, if you’ve noticed my absence.
I toyed around with the idea of writing or reading here on Substack first, as I dip my toes back in the water. I have so much I want to catch up on — writers I’ve missed — Hi Friends! I currently have 20 tabs open on my browser of posts I really want to read. . . first(?!).
I thought I’d give myself the challenge of writing something here, before I allow myself to dive in.
Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. I was writing and posting here consistently and something I never expected happened, in my personal life. I hate to be that person who eludes to something that they’re not willing, or perhaps ready, to talk about on the internet but it creeps into a high percentage of my thoughts and so I think it would be strange to not acknowledge it here.
At first, I wasn’t thinking about writing at all, it didn’t cross my mind for huge periods of time, although I still posted a couple of things that were largely out of the realm of deep thought. But for a good few weeks now, I’ve been thinking about writing often, and not made the time or felt like I knew where to start. . . and there were other things I needed more.
Does this abrupt break (that may not be completely over) mean that I’ve failed on my Substack and writing journey? I don’t think so. Technically, I had small and big goals for this space that I haven’t achieved, and I’m not sure if they remain the same. But, I’m happy with all the time I’ve spent on Substack and any time I continue to write and connect here I just want to enjoy. (New goals pending, or maybe none at all for a while.)
I’ve been reminiscing recently about various creative projects I’ve started over time and there’s a part of me that still nags at myself, right in the back of my brain. It says — why didn’t you stick at one of those things and make it great? Another failure, maybe. But, thankfully they’re overridden by the thoughts that say — I know these ventures were periods of exploration and I can still chose to pick up creative things at any time, new or old, and find whatever brings me joy at that point. I’m extremely consistent and disciplined in some areas of my life but I know that I need to allow myself more flexibility, nuance and contradictions.
I’m leaving behind a lot of things in my life, I’ve achieved some incredible things recently and I’m also coming up to and letting go of various milestones. I’m also seeing other people sail through some and some struggle, and I’m acutely aware of how I react to milestones and how other people perceive their own. Are milestones exciting? Are they worth marking at all? Or do they highlight ‘failures’ for those who perceive them in this way? I think my Substack experience and these musings have led me to consider how loosely or how tightly we grasp onto our goals, and expectations.
I was listening to a podcast recently that highlighted that happiness, whether you strive for it or not, is so contingent on expectations. They illustrated this by highlighting that someone with the money to pay for a luxury experience, perhaps on a flight, can be unhappy if they don’t receive it or appreciate it, no matter how good that experience may seem to someone else. It was a great reminder, although expectations can be useful (what we are and aren’t willing to accept in relationships for example), not to be completely inflexible with them all, or unconsciously reactive in the face of unmet expectations because we were wound so tightly around them.
I also sometimes wonder whether I fail in terms of how I show up online vs. offline. As I lean more into sharing more of myself, and sharing helps to actually BE more of myself, I wonder how accurate and inclusive my online presence needs to be. It will always be honest, but it won’t always include everything, like the aforementioned life event. I was also thinking about how Substack readers will know me. If you’ve read a particular piece of mine, you might recall me as the apprehensive 10k runner, when actually I’ve since, quite confidently, completed a half-marathon. I wonder whether everything here always needs to be up to date and whether I need to show all sides of myself. I know that’s not truly possible and I could try to include everything I do that I think creates an identity (like an extended bio) but I also don’t think that’s necessary.
Am I still being real?
I have the same almost existential crisis with how I present myself, even to people who know me both on and offline, with anything I post in the social media sphere. But, not everyone you know, needs to know everything about you, and that’s ok. They can accept, or not, what you choose to share, and it is important to be selective in who you share things with in many circumstances.
Wow, I didn’t think the words were going to pour out of me on these random, but kind of related, thoughts. Less editing than normal too, I hope it makes sense.
How do you feel about failure? What about milestones? Have you come up against or sailed through any recently?
Can we fail with how we present ourselves?
Thanks for sticking with me, if you’re back here reading this.
I’m not sure what this post is supposed to be — an update or sharing ideas. I never really thought I’d be writing updates, but I guess it feels like the most honest way to start at the moment.
I really hope you’re all well, and this gives you food for thought on something, is comforting in some way, or just lets you know that I’m still around and thinking about this space.
I also think it was a good idea to write before reading —
*these thoughts were not influenced by any other wonderful writers*
(Unless they’ve seeped into my subconscious in the past, which is highly likely. . . but that’s a conversation for another day)
"Can we fail with how we present ourselves?" What a great question. I get this gnawing feeling that I've misrepresented myself when I hold back or overshare. I recognize this is a lose-lose belief.
Failure assumes we did not achieve a goal. My goal in how I present myself is to connect with another person. This thought relieves me from the fear of misrepresenting myself. When I listen deeply and seek to understand another individual, then I'm not failing at how I show up.
This reminds me of a term I learned from Adam Grant: inverse charisma. "To speak with him was to be seduced by 'inverse charisma,' a sense of being listened to with such intensity that you had to be your most honest, sharpest, and best self.
Thank you for writing this post, Jess. You make Substack such a lovely place, and I'm grateful we crossed paths here.
Ahhhh JESS I loved this post so so so much. Thanks so much for sharing. Not surprised that you've had such a mega response as it's always the posts that are coming from a vulnerable place that resonate the most. I really related to your questionings around milestones and success -- especially as it relates to your Substack. What does "success" look like on here and what does it mean if you haven't hit the goals you set out for yourself? I feel the same way about Cheers!: Is it success that I've written SO much more than I did before I had a Substack? Or is it a failure that I haven't hit "X" amount of subscribers yet or that I took last week off while I was on holiday? It's a constant internal battle between feeling grateful and feeling like..."what am I doing?"
I also loved your thoughts on how much you're willing to share of yourself in your writing. I often feel like I'm not writing about anxieties that are really weighing on me or the things I'm feeling challenged with at work or in my relationships. I wonder if that means I'm being too superficial with my writing or if that means I'm missing out on connecting with people who are going through similar experiences. But I think okay to protect yourself and be wary of what and when you share things. Sometimes the best time to share a story is right after it happens -- sometimes it's best to give it a few months or even years. It sounds like you've thought deeply about this and I think that means you're likely sharing the right stuff for you. Keep trusting your gut on that.
Finally I loved this line: "They illustrated this by highlighting that someone with the money to pay for a luxury experience, perhaps on a flight, can be unhappy if they don’t receive it or appreciate it, no matter how good that experience may seem to someone else." I've been in Greece for the past week at a resort. While I was on holiday, I heard a lot of people staying at the resort complaining about different things - the food, the service, etc. etc. I totally get that people have a right to give feedback ,and, if anything, this resort did seem to seek that feedback out from guests so that they can keep improving. But I couldn't help but think to myself - you're on holiday in this incredible (and not cheap!) hotel, the sun is shining, you have everything being taken care of for you for the entire time you're here. How bad can it really be? Is it really bad enough to complain? It made me think about how often we get used to things being a "certain way" and grow totally desensitised to milestones or luxuries which we used to only dream about. It was a reminder that I never want to lose that perspective or take things for granted -- and your piece was such a lovely reminder for that as I'm back to reality today.
Thanks again for sharing - and look forward to your next post whenever you have space and time for it!