"Can we fail with how we present ourselves?" What a great question. I get this gnawing feeling that I've misrepresented myself when I hold back or overshare. I recognize this is a lose-lose belief.
Failure assumes we did not achieve a goal. My goal in how I present myself is to connect with another person. This thought relieves me from the fear of misrepresenting myself. When I listen deeply and seek to understand another individual, then I'm not failing at how I show up.
This reminds me of a term I learned from Adam Grant: inverse charisma. "To speak with him was to be seduced by 'inverse charisma,' a sense of being listened to with such intensity that you had to be your most honest, sharpest, and best self.
Thank you for writing this post, Jess. You make Substack such a lovely place, and I'm grateful we crossed paths here.
What a lovely comment. I’m really going to think more about how you answered that question I was pondering. What you said about lose-lose and having the goal of connection both really made sense to me. Thank you,Rachael!
I really appreciate your kind words and thank you for reaching out on here too, it definitely makes it a lovely place to be!
Ahhhh JESS I loved this post so so so much. Thanks so much for sharing. Not surprised that you've had such a mega response as it's always the posts that are coming from a vulnerable place that resonate the most. I really related to your questionings around milestones and success -- especially as it relates to your Substack. What does "success" look like on here and what does it mean if you haven't hit the goals you set out for yourself? I feel the same way about Cheers!: Is it success that I've written SO much more than I did before I had a Substack? Or is it a failure that I haven't hit "X" amount of subscribers yet or that I took last week off while I was on holiday? It's a constant internal battle between feeling grateful and feeling like..."what am I doing?"
I also loved your thoughts on how much you're willing to share of yourself in your writing. I often feel like I'm not writing about anxieties that are really weighing on me or the things I'm feeling challenged with at work or in my relationships. I wonder if that means I'm being too superficial with my writing or if that means I'm missing out on connecting with people who are going through similar experiences. But I think okay to protect yourself and be wary of what and when you share things. Sometimes the best time to share a story is right after it happens -- sometimes it's best to give it a few months or even years. It sounds like you've thought deeply about this and I think that means you're likely sharing the right stuff for you. Keep trusting your gut on that.
Finally I loved this line: "They illustrated this by highlighting that someone with the money to pay for a luxury experience, perhaps on a flight, can be unhappy if they don’t receive it or appreciate it, no matter how good that experience may seem to someone else." I've been in Greece for the past week at a resort. While I was on holiday, I heard a lot of people staying at the resort complaining about different things - the food, the service, etc. etc. I totally get that people have a right to give feedback ,and, if anything, this resort did seem to seek that feedback out from guests so that they can keep improving. But I couldn't help but think to myself - you're on holiday in this incredible (and not cheap!) hotel, the sun is shining, you have everything being taken care of for you for the entire time you're here. How bad can it really be? Is it really bad enough to complain? It made me think about how often we get used to things being a "certain way" and grow totally desensitised to milestones or luxuries which we used to only dream about. It was a reminder that I never want to lose that perspective or take things for granted -- and your piece was such a lovely reminder for that as I'm back to reality today.
Thanks again for sharing - and look forward to your next post whenever you have space and time for it!
Thank you so much, Kelley. I loved reading your comment - thank you so much for such a thoughtful response. I can’t wait to get back to reading your writing too.
I think we’ll keep navigating what success feels like on here! I’m happy with everything I’ve written on Substack, even if I wouldn’t have written it now, it served a purpose and everything I’ve shared I’ve really considered... and a lot has led to some great connection, so I consider that a success :) I hope you feel similarly about Cheers!
I really feel this a lot - ‘I wonder if that means I'm being too superficial with my writing or if that means I'm missing out on connecting with people who are going through similar experiences’. Thank you for sharing this here, it definitely helps to hear someone feels these very similar feelings.
Just found this through notes and it was a joy to read. Nice to be reminded about how so much of our happiness depends on expectations (is it Mo Gawdat that says that?), I've been trying to practice this since I learned it around a year ago and I feel like it's definitely been true for me. The less I expect and more I focus on the things I already have in my life, the happier I feel day to day.
- I used to loathe it, now I tolerate it. Useful on one hand as without a feedback loop in work or even socially, it’s hard to improve. HATE it because getting dumped or forgetting to feed the dog just sucks, there is no up side (well, at least not for the first week after getting dumped)
What about milestones? Have you come up against or sailed through any recently?
- I set up my ADHD & ME substack, which I’ve been wanting to do for 9 months. Big personal success. I guess you can also ‘re start’ milestones? I used to do Muay Thai, was progressing and then just gave up (life). I’ve started again. Is that beginner milestone of setting up the direct debit of any less, or equal, value than fighting my first fight?
Can we fail with how we present ourselves?
- I used to present myself differently at work, and even in early stages of relationships to some degree. Not anymore. I don’t think I was failing though, it’s how I coped with self esteem or anxiety - fake it til’ you make it, eh? Also, just because I’m unashamedly myself now, doesn’t mean I can’t fail - I may even fail more so because I’m not playing the politics game at work or a first date doesn’t appreciate random facts about space. But at least it feels like I’m being more true to myself
Thank you for really digging into those questions! It was interesting to read your responses, especially the last question I find really intriguing and you gave a great answer, I wasn't sure how people would respond.
Thanks for reading and congrats on your publication - happy Substacking!
Jess! I was so happy to see your Stack in my inbox. I’ve missed your writing, book recommendations, and POV on life. I say Brava for taking some time away from here when you needed it. I hope you’re doing okay. What I love about Substack is that it’s whatever you want it to be. There is no failure. If you’re here and putting your work out into the world, it’s a win. I think we’re all conditioned to believe that everything we do must be tied to a result. There’s so much pressure to “succeed.” But what is success, really? To your point, the people on their luxury vacations aren’t necessarily having a great time. As I’ve gotten older, I’m more comfortable just doing things because they bring me joy. If I’m having fun that feels like success. And reading your work brings me joy. ❤️
I've started to write here twice now and both times I have ended up needing to back away for various offline reasons. I recognize that I can only give so much of myself to anything these days and I put my offline priorities first - health issues. Still I miss the small group of people I follow and interact with here, either reading their work or writing my own. Substack will still be here I tell myself. If you are showing up here you are winning. Thanks for this great read.
I find Substack to be so much more substantial than other social media, so I very much enjoy writing and reading here. I've been writing content online since 96/97, first as small business owner with an online store and then as a political blogger. Being online, communicating online is so inherent in my everyday existence at this point, it's hard to totally step away.
Hey Jess! I just found your post through my Notes feed. I’m not familiar with your work (but hopefully will be soon!), but I enjoyed this sweet return to form. I think a LOT about goals and milestones too, in fact I’ve written a post about a new potential approach to understanding goals, so your post spoke to me on some level. I think the best thing you can do is be kind to yourself, dip your toes back in inch by inch until the water starts to feel fine, and don’t worry about the outcome just yet. Building a consistent writing practice is hard work, and once you’ve fallen off that wagon, it ain’t easy to get back up. Props to you for starting, and know that I’m rooting for you. It’s a pleasure to have stumbled upon your newsletter.
“Less editing than normal too...” but beautifully written. I’m just two weeks into reading and writing about art and nature on Substack so both you and your words are new to me. We are as humans all too often full of self-doubt and quick to judge ourselves in a way that we seldom apply to others. Life is complicated, and sometimes messy. What we choose to share (and when) is entirely up to us - and you. I’m glad you’re back.
I think Substack is absolutely for experimentation and going with the flow. You have absolutely not failed at all.
I hear what you are saying about how people see you both on and offline. I know there are some aspects of my life I am worried to talk about in Distracted, my substack, and i guess in this sense I am going to portray a slightly skewed version of my self but really the boundaries are yours to set. Anyway I don’t see it as any different to the curation you see on say instagram I think it’s something people are conscious of when consuming content and it’s okay. I see Substack less about me but more using my life experiences as a springboard for discussion and finding likeminded people so in that sense the whole picture need not be revealed.
I think we really feel the same on this point, so thank you for sharing, that's reassuring. 'The boundaries are really yours to set' and 'the whole picture need not be revealed' will definitely stick with me :)
What a wonderful update and your words are something I totally resonate with. When I couldn't write a couple of weeks ago, I felt like a failure, like I had failed on what I had set out to do. I think it's how we define our own parameters and boundaries and also our own successes and milestones. And I think I will be figuring that out for a long time haha.
Speaking from experience, we can put so much pressure on ourselves to “do the thing” but at the end of the day, we are human beings with human needs and a life that entangles us, off the screen.
Whatever you need to do, whenever you want to write, we will always be ready to welcome your words 💚🌿
Welcome back, Jess! I've missed seeing you and your posts pop up. You absolutely haven't failed although I completely understand the notion because it's where my brain goes too! Taking time away from Substack is so necessary at times, whether planned or not, and I've been thinking lately about what they looks like for me after posting for 6 months. I've decided to re-share archive posts once a month to give myself a bit of break and, while I plan to include more paid for content over time, I'm trying hard to remember that there's no rush for any of it. We're creating our own timelines here and our own markers for success. Taking time for yourself, for your needs, for your life, is always going to be the right decision - by modelling that you're more real than ever. Cheering you on as always! 💗
Thank you, Charlene, that's so kind! I've missed reading your writing while I've been away too. There are so many people here who come to mind even when I'm not using the platform and I think that says a lot about the wonderful writers and connection here :)
Sharing archive posts sounds like a great idea to give your writing new life and perhaps reach new readers. I'm always thinking about how valuable these pieces can be over time, and at different times for different people.
I would still love to introduce paid one day to make this more sustainable but there are so many considerations and as you say, no rush.
Yes to creating our own timelines here - definitely one to remember! x
"Am I still being real?" Yes, you're being real. You ARE real.
Dad always tells me: "Plough your own furrow". In the context of my Substack I take this to mean encouragement to do my own thing, and write what I want, when I want, and how often I want - or indeed not to do so at all!
Great post, Jess. So glad to find it in my inbox today. You've given me lots to think about - thank you.
"Can we fail with how we present ourselves?" What a great question. I get this gnawing feeling that I've misrepresented myself when I hold back or overshare. I recognize this is a lose-lose belief.
Failure assumes we did not achieve a goal. My goal in how I present myself is to connect with another person. This thought relieves me from the fear of misrepresenting myself. When I listen deeply and seek to understand another individual, then I'm not failing at how I show up.
This reminds me of a term I learned from Adam Grant: inverse charisma. "To speak with him was to be seduced by 'inverse charisma,' a sense of being listened to with such intensity that you had to be your most honest, sharpest, and best self.
Thank you for writing this post, Jess. You make Substack such a lovely place, and I'm grateful we crossed paths here.
What a lovely comment. I’m really going to think more about how you answered that question I was pondering. What you said about lose-lose and having the goal of connection both really made sense to me. Thank you,Rachael!
I really appreciate your kind words and thank you for reaching out on here too, it definitely makes it a lovely place to be!
Ahhhh JESS I loved this post so so so much. Thanks so much for sharing. Not surprised that you've had such a mega response as it's always the posts that are coming from a vulnerable place that resonate the most. I really related to your questionings around milestones and success -- especially as it relates to your Substack. What does "success" look like on here and what does it mean if you haven't hit the goals you set out for yourself? I feel the same way about Cheers!: Is it success that I've written SO much more than I did before I had a Substack? Or is it a failure that I haven't hit "X" amount of subscribers yet or that I took last week off while I was on holiday? It's a constant internal battle between feeling grateful and feeling like..."what am I doing?"
I also loved your thoughts on how much you're willing to share of yourself in your writing. I often feel like I'm not writing about anxieties that are really weighing on me or the things I'm feeling challenged with at work or in my relationships. I wonder if that means I'm being too superficial with my writing or if that means I'm missing out on connecting with people who are going through similar experiences. But I think okay to protect yourself and be wary of what and when you share things. Sometimes the best time to share a story is right after it happens -- sometimes it's best to give it a few months or even years. It sounds like you've thought deeply about this and I think that means you're likely sharing the right stuff for you. Keep trusting your gut on that.
Finally I loved this line: "They illustrated this by highlighting that someone with the money to pay for a luxury experience, perhaps on a flight, can be unhappy if they don’t receive it or appreciate it, no matter how good that experience may seem to someone else." I've been in Greece for the past week at a resort. While I was on holiday, I heard a lot of people staying at the resort complaining about different things - the food, the service, etc. etc. I totally get that people have a right to give feedback ,and, if anything, this resort did seem to seek that feedback out from guests so that they can keep improving. But I couldn't help but think to myself - you're on holiday in this incredible (and not cheap!) hotel, the sun is shining, you have everything being taken care of for you for the entire time you're here. How bad can it really be? Is it really bad enough to complain? It made me think about how often we get used to things being a "certain way" and grow totally desensitised to milestones or luxuries which we used to only dream about. It was a reminder that I never want to lose that perspective or take things for granted -- and your piece was such a lovely reminder for that as I'm back to reality today.
Thanks again for sharing - and look forward to your next post whenever you have space and time for it!
Thank you so much, Kelley. I loved reading your comment - thank you so much for such a thoughtful response. I can’t wait to get back to reading your writing too.
I think we’ll keep navigating what success feels like on here! I’m happy with everything I’ve written on Substack, even if I wouldn’t have written it now, it served a purpose and everything I’ve shared I’ve really considered... and a lot has led to some great connection, so I consider that a success :) I hope you feel similarly about Cheers!
I really feel this a lot - ‘I wonder if that means I'm being too superficial with my writing or if that means I'm missing out on connecting with people who are going through similar experiences’. Thank you for sharing this here, it definitely helps to hear someone feels these very similar feelings.
I hope you had a lovely holiday too! :)
Just found this through notes and it was a joy to read. Nice to be reminded about how so much of our happiness depends on expectations (is it Mo Gawdat that says that?), I've been trying to practice this since I learned it around a year ago and I feel like it's definitely been true for me. The less I expect and more I focus on the things I already have in my life, the happier I feel day to day.
I think it was Steven Bartlett, who perhaps got it from Mo! :)
Focusing on the things I already have, and the small moments and joys, definitely improved my life leaps and bounds.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I really appreciate it.
How do you feel about failure?
- I used to loathe it, now I tolerate it. Useful on one hand as without a feedback loop in work or even socially, it’s hard to improve. HATE it because getting dumped or forgetting to feed the dog just sucks, there is no up side (well, at least not for the first week after getting dumped)
What about milestones? Have you come up against or sailed through any recently?
- I set up my ADHD & ME substack, which I’ve been wanting to do for 9 months. Big personal success. I guess you can also ‘re start’ milestones? I used to do Muay Thai, was progressing and then just gave up (life). I’ve started again. Is that beginner milestone of setting up the direct debit of any less, or equal, value than fighting my first fight?
Can we fail with how we present ourselves?
- I used to present myself differently at work, and even in early stages of relationships to some degree. Not anymore. I don’t think I was failing though, it’s how I coped with self esteem or anxiety - fake it til’ you make it, eh? Also, just because I’m unashamedly myself now, doesn’t mean I can’t fail - I may even fail more so because I’m not playing the politics game at work or a first date doesn’t appreciate random facts about space. But at least it feels like I’m being more true to myself
Thank you for really digging into those questions! It was interesting to read your responses, especially the last question I find really intriguing and you gave a great answer, I wasn't sure how people would respond.
Thanks for reading and congrats on your publication - happy Substacking!
Jess! I was so happy to see your Stack in my inbox. I’ve missed your writing, book recommendations, and POV on life. I say Brava for taking some time away from here when you needed it. I hope you’re doing okay. What I love about Substack is that it’s whatever you want it to be. There is no failure. If you’re here and putting your work out into the world, it’s a win. I think we’re all conditioned to believe that everything we do must be tied to a result. There’s so much pressure to “succeed.” But what is success, really? To your point, the people on their luxury vacations aren’t necessarily having a great time. As I’ve gotten older, I’m more comfortable just doing things because they bring me joy. If I’m having fun that feels like success. And reading your work brings me joy. ❤️
Thank you so much, Hilary. I have missed your wise words too and your humour! :)
Here's to making it whatever we want it to be!
Bringing you joy, I think, is one of the best compliments, thank you.
:)
I've started to write here twice now and both times I have ended up needing to back away for various offline reasons. I recognize that I can only give so much of myself to anything these days and I put my offline priorities first - health issues. Still I miss the small group of people I follow and interact with here, either reading their work or writing my own. Substack will still be here I tell myself. If you are showing up here you are winning. Thanks for this great read.
Thank you for sharing your experience and thank you for saying you enjoyed the read!
I hope you are enjoying Substack when you are using it, too. It will still be here, you're right!
I find Substack to be so much more substantial than other social media, so I very much enjoy writing and reading here. I've been writing content online since 96/97, first as small business owner with an online store and then as a political blogger. Being online, communicating online is so inherent in my everyday existence at this point, it's hard to totally step away.
That sounds interesting! I suppose you don't have to totally step away, but just find what works best for you at any given time :)
Hey Jess! I just found your post through my Notes feed. I’m not familiar with your work (but hopefully will be soon!), but I enjoyed this sweet return to form. I think a LOT about goals and milestones too, in fact I’ve written a post about a new potential approach to understanding goals, so your post spoke to me on some level. I think the best thing you can do is be kind to yourself, dip your toes back in inch by inch until the water starts to feel fine, and don’t worry about the outcome just yet. Building a consistent writing practice is hard work, and once you’ve fallen off that wagon, it ain’t easy to get back up. Props to you for starting, and know that I’m rooting for you. It’s a pleasure to have stumbled upon your newsletter.
That's so interesting to hear about how you ended up here. And thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Starting is always the hard part, I know! You're right about being kind to ourselves.
Thank you for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed something here. :)
“Less editing than normal too...” but beautifully written. I’m just two weeks into reading and writing about art and nature on Substack so both you and your words are new to me. We are as humans all too often full of self-doubt and quick to judge ourselves in a way that we seldom apply to others. Life is complicated, and sometimes messy. What we choose to share (and when) is entirely up to us - and you. I’m glad you’re back.
Thank you, I really appreciate your comment :)
Wise words - complicated and messy ...and joyful!
I hope you're enjoying your time on Substack so far.
Great piece, Jess. I was just wondering where you were, as I hadn't seen a post of yours in a while. Welcome back!
You're so kind to say that you noticed! Looking forward to getting back into reading your work too!
Thank you :)
Welcome back Jess, really thought provoking piece
Thank you so much, Sian!
I think Substack is absolutely for experimentation and going with the flow. You have absolutely not failed at all.
I hear what you are saying about how people see you both on and offline. I know there are some aspects of my life I am worried to talk about in Distracted, my substack, and i guess in this sense I am going to portray a slightly skewed version of my self but really the boundaries are yours to set. Anyway I don’t see it as any different to the curation you see on say instagram I think it’s something people are conscious of when consuming content and it’s okay. I see Substack less about me but more using my life experiences as a springboard for discussion and finding likeminded people so in that sense the whole picture need not be revealed.
I think we really feel the same on this point, so thank you for sharing, that's reassuring. 'The boundaries are really yours to set' and 'the whole picture need not be revealed' will definitely stick with me :)
Thanks, Kylie-Ann.
welcome back! happy to read this and know you’re doing well. ❤️
Thank you so much, that's so kind! :)
Jess!! It's so good to hear from you ☺️
What a wonderful update and your words are something I totally resonate with. When I couldn't write a couple of weeks ago, I felt like a failure, like I had failed on what I had set out to do. I think it's how we define our own parameters and boundaries and also our own successes and milestones. And I think I will be figuring that out for a long time haha.
P.S Congrats on the half marathon 🎉
Hi Lyndsay! :)
Thank you. Sometimes priorities shift, sometimes unexpectedly, and that's totally ok.
...Always something to figure out, even when you think you've cracked it, haha.
Thank you very much, I'm proud of how far I've come!
Glad to see you back Jess!
Speaking from experience, we can put so much pressure on ourselves to “do the thing” but at the end of the day, we are human beings with human needs and a life that entangles us, off the screen.
Whatever you need to do, whenever you want to write, we will always be ready to welcome your words 💚🌿
Thank you, Mackenzie! It's so nice to get such a warm welcome back and not feel like you've been forgotten :)
Less pressure and more doing the thing only when it feels right sounds good, sometimes that'll be consistent and sometimes it won't.
Thank you!
Welcome back, Jess! I've missed seeing you and your posts pop up. You absolutely haven't failed although I completely understand the notion because it's where my brain goes too! Taking time away from Substack is so necessary at times, whether planned or not, and I've been thinking lately about what they looks like for me after posting for 6 months. I've decided to re-share archive posts once a month to give myself a bit of break and, while I plan to include more paid for content over time, I'm trying hard to remember that there's no rush for any of it. We're creating our own timelines here and our own markers for success. Taking time for yourself, for your needs, for your life, is always going to be the right decision - by modelling that you're more real than ever. Cheering you on as always! 💗
Thank you, Charlene, that's so kind! I've missed reading your writing while I've been away too. There are so many people here who come to mind even when I'm not using the platform and I think that says a lot about the wonderful writers and connection here :)
Sharing archive posts sounds like a great idea to give your writing new life and perhaps reach new readers. I'm always thinking about how valuable these pieces can be over time, and at different times for different people.
I would still love to introduce paid one day to make this more sustainable but there are so many considerations and as you say, no rush.
Yes to creating our own timelines here - definitely one to remember! x
"Am I still being real?" Yes, you're being real. You ARE real.
Dad always tells me: "Plough your own furrow". In the context of my Substack I take this to mean encouragement to do my own thing, and write what I want, when I want, and how often I want - or indeed not to do so at all!
Great post, Jess. So glad to find it in my inbox today. You've given me lots to think about - thank you.
Thank you for picking up on that and sharing your Dad's advice! So good to hear :)
I'm glad you got something from reading it and thank you for saying so.
Hope you're well, Rebecca!
Awwww, it's so lovely to see you here again! 😊
Such great advice 😊 and very relevant to Substack as a platform!
😊