Have I failed?

Substack, life milestones and online vs. offline

Image by pch.vector on Freepik

Hi, if you’re new around here, and welcome back, if you’ve noticed my absence.

I toyed around with the idea of writing or reading here on Substack first, as I dip my toes back in the water. I have so much I want to catch up on — writers I’ve missed — Hi Friends! I currently have 20 tabs open on my browser of posts I really want to read. . . first(?!).

I thought I’d give myself the challenge of writing something here, before I allow myself to dive in.

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. I was writing and posting here consistently and something I never expected happened, in my personal life. I hate to be that person who eludes to something that they’re not willing, or perhaps ready, to talk about on the internet but it creeps into a high percentage of my thoughts and so I think it would be strange to not acknowledge it here.

At first, I wasn’t thinking about writing at all, it didn’t cross my mind for huge periods of time, although I still posted a couple of things that were largely out of the realm of deep thought. But for a good few weeks now, I’ve been thinking about writing often, and not made the time or felt like I knew where to start. . . and there were other things I needed more.

Does this abrupt break (that may not be completely over) mean that I’ve failed on my Substack and writing journey? I don’t think so. Technically, I had small and big goals for this space that I haven’t achieved, and I’m not sure if they remain the same. But, I’m happy with all the time I’ve spent on Substack and any time I continue to write and connect here I just want to enjoy. (New goals pending, or maybe none at all for a while.)

I’ve been reminiscing recently about various creative projects I’ve started over time and there’s a part of me that still nags at myself, right in the back of my brain. It says — why didn’t you stick at one of those things and make it great? Another failure, maybe. But, thankfully they’re overridden by the thoughts that say — I know these ventures were periods of exploration and I can still chose to pick up creative things at any time, new or old, and find whatever brings me joy at that point. I’m extremely consistent and disciplined in some areas of my life but I know that I need to allow myself more flexibility, nuance and contradictions.

I’m leaving behind a lot of things in my life, I’ve achieved some incredible things recently and I’m also coming up to and letting go of various milestones. I’m also seeing other people sail through some and some struggle, and I’m acutely aware of how I react to milestones and how other people perceive their own. Are milestones exciting? Are they worth marking at all? Or do they highlight ‘failures’ for those who perceive them in this way? I think my Substack experience and these musings have led me to consider how loosely or how tightly we grasp onto our goals, and expectations.

I was listening to a podcast recently that highlighted that happiness, whether you strive for it or not, is so contingent on expectations. They illustrated this by highlighting that someone with the money to pay for a luxury experience, perhaps on a flight, can be unhappy if they don’t receive it or appreciate it, no matter how good that experience may seem to someone else. It was a great reminder, although expectations can be useful (what we are and aren’t willing to accept in relationships for example), not to be completely inflexible with them all, or unconsciously reactive in the face of unmet expectations because we were wound so tightly around them.

I also sometimes wonder whether I fail in terms of how I show up online vs. offline. As I lean more into sharing more of myself, and sharing helps to actually BE more of myself, I wonder how accurate and inclusive my online presence needs to be. It will always be honest, but it won’t always include everything, like the aforementioned life event. I was also thinking about how Substack readers will know me. If you’ve read a particular piece of mine, you might recall me as the apprehensive 10k runner, when actually I’ve since, quite confidently, completed a half-marathon. I wonder whether everything here always needs to be up to date and whether I need to show all sides of myself. I know that’s not truly possible and I could try to include everything I do that I think creates an identity (like an extended bio) but I also don’t think that’s necessary.

Am I still being real?

I have the same almost existential crisis with how I present myself, even to people who know me both on and offline, with anything I post in the social media sphere. But, not everyone you know, needs to know everything about you, and that’s ok. They can accept, or not, what you choose to share, and it is important to be selective in who you share things with in many circumstances.

Wow, I didn’t think the words were going to pour out of me on these random, but kind of related, thoughts. Less editing than normal too, I hope it makes sense.

How do you feel about failure? What about milestones? Have you come up against or sailed through any recently?

Can we fail with how we present ourselves?

Thanks for sticking with me, if you’re back here reading this.

I’m not sure what this post is supposed to be — an update or sharing ideas. I never really thought I’d be writing updates, but I guess it feels like the most honest way to start at the moment.

I really hope you’re all well, and this gives you food for thought on something, is comforting in some way, or just lets you know that I’m still around and thinking about this space.

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I also think it was a good idea to write before reading —

*these thoughts were not influenced by any other wonderful writers*

(Unless they’ve seeped into my subconscious in the past, which is highly likely. . . but that’s a conversation for another day)

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