Full disclosure: I first wrote this some time ago — I thought I’d give it a bit of an edit and share — it still resonates with me and perhaps it will with you too.
Maybe I’ll have some more thoughts to share about friendships soon but I didn’t want to leave this chapter out.
I’ve lost friends over the years, as everyone does, through the ever-changing circumstances of growing up. Someone, or all of us, leaving school, sixth-form or university; moving, entering (often all-encompassing) romantic relationships, leaving jobs.
And somewhere along the line — I ended up with not many of them around. And that’s OK.
As I’ve muddled further into adulthood, I am slightly embarrassed to say that I have been embarrassed to say — ‘I don’t have many friends’. In fear that the person I’m saying this to won’t want to be a friend because of it. That they might think ‘maybe it’s you’.
There is so much more nuance to it than that, and deep down I know everyone really does know that too.
Not having many friends (if this is you too) could be due to so many changes in circumstances. It could be miscommunication, lack of communication, friends coming and going for a purpose or growing apart in differing values or goals. And, I’m sure, many more reasons.
We often analyse how romantic relationships work or why they haven’t, but do we do this enough with our friendships? And do we talk about it enough?
Relationships are a vital part of our existence. We haven’t changed much in our basic needs for a long time, and since the pandemic we have all realised at an even deeper level how much our relationships matter to us. They often get us through whatever we’re dealing with at any particular time and bring us so much joy.
I’m all for a great relationship with yourself — which I’m so glad to see everywhere in recent years — but I think we also need deep connection with others maybe more than ever.
A lot of people seem to agree that quality of relationships is important over quantity and is something to be cherished. We need relationships that are there for us, lift us up and have a positive impact on us. Is it better to have a lot less, than ones that don’t do this for us or the other person?
For a lot of people, friendships may be the most frequent relationships they have. For me, they are definitely something to be understood more, taken care of and worked on.
I’d love for everyone to talk more about friendships if this is a vulnerability for them — because I hope no one feels this strange shame — but also, generally, about all the nuances; the friendships that matter the most to you, what they bring to your life, how they evolve, the friends you lose and the reasons why, the friendships you really feel you need, different kinds of friendships, when it’s hard to make friends and the friendships you seek out and how.
Friendships can definitely be empowering and sometimes we need a little more of this in our lives. We don’t always have all the kinds of friendships we might love, but I’m focusing on being grateful for and appreciating any that I do, whilst not being afraid to talk about and work on these relationships too.
How have your friendships evolved recently? What do specific friendships bring to your life? Do you know what you do for your friends? I’d love to hear!
And writers — let me know if you’ve written anything on friendship. It’s a topic I’m always interested to read about!
Loved reading this. This topic isn't talked about enough. Social media makes us believe that everyone needs to have this large group of friends, that everyone needs to be social. And no one really seems to talk about how making friends as a grown up is super hard!
I love this Jess. It feels like it is written truly from the heart! I have much of the same thoughts and feelings. Female friendships, I find, are tough, and I often find myself thinking that I don't have many friends. But the ones I do have are incredible people and I cherish their friendship. Do you think it depends on your personality type? I'm quite introverted, I like what I like and I do what I like, and sometimes I probably keep myself to myself too much, which may not help when it comes to nurturing friendships!